Residuals of War
by toilasay
Summary: Harry's life was turned upside down as a result of the war. What's worse, he has to live through it without Ron. Someone unexpected does show up however...
1. Prologue

Residuals of War

Prologue

Experiencing the death of Ron wasn't quite like experiencing the death of Sirius. When Sirius died, it was like losing an uncle, maybe even a parent. I knew they would die first. I knew I would outlive them. Maybe I didn't think about it consciously, but I knew it, somewhere in the back of my mind. That's just how things work. Ron and I were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to live together in a nursing home, where we would play croquet in the afternoons and complain about how loud the classical music in the background is. I wasn't supposed to live without him. That wasn't how things were supposed to work. I didn't think about it until after Ron died. I thought about it after it happened though. It was all I thought about. It's still all I think about. Here I am, this tragic hero, who everyone loves. Everybody loves me. I'm not that great though. I saved the world from evil, but I can't save myself, or my best friend for that matter. Some hero I am.

I relive it. Everyday. I think about it all the time. I remember everything. It's almost like it happened yesterday. The wounds aren't healing. They aren't hurting less. All they do is remind me of how terrible I am. I broke the cardinal rule. I hesitated. You don't hesitate in war. That is when people die. That is when you die. That is when your best friend dies in your arms. That is when you lose your sanity.

You know how they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"? Well, that's a lie. I'm weaker, mentally and physically.

Isn't everyone supposed to get a chance to mess up once where everything doesn't go wrong? You would think that I would get at least one break by now. But I haven't. One moment of hesitation, and Ron dies. I never hesitated before. Never, and the time I choose to, I lose my best friend. I hesitated, and this is where guilt gives birth. This is where the nightmares come in. I relive it almost every night in my dreams. It comes to the point where I almost dread going to sleep. If Ron visits me in my dream again asking why I killed him, I might go crazy. I tell myself that every morning. He keeps coming back. Good news though. I haven't gone crazy yet! Or, maybe I have. I just don't know it. I don't even know if I care anymore.

I lash out at anyone who annoys me. I yell at people who don't deserve it. I make people feel bad, and all they are trying to do is help me. Everyone walks around me like walking on eggshells. They're all thankful for what I did, and they think they shouldn't annoy me. If I want to brood and be miserable, it's ok, because the world would be evil without me. Don't upset Harry. He will explode any minute. That's what everybody says.

I need a friend, a genuine one. I need someone who isn't scared to yell at me, who doesn't care if I get mad at him or her. They're out there, and they're closer than I think. Hermione's told me this, but I don't think it's her. She won't yell back. She's too meek now. She's not at all like I remember her at school. The war changed her. The baby changed her. But, losing Ron changed her the most. Instead of being opinionated and forceful, she is quiet and timid, almost like she dreads talking. She needs comfort just as much as I do. I can't give it to her though. I'm worse off than she is. Besides, she is busy living in France while raising her dead lover's child. She said she couldn't stay. She needed a change of scenery or something. Everything reminds her of Ron her. I guess she never stopped to think that everything reminds me of him as well. Oh well. Like everyone else, she has deserted me.

I can conquer the Dark Lord, but not find some form of sanity. Everybody thinks I am a great wizard. Yeah, I'm really great.

For a change, I just want to be saved. Am I a bad person? Why do I always have to do the saving? I need to be saved, but where's my knight in shining armor? Am I not worthy of it? Can't someone save me?


	2. Chapter 1: Interrupted Drunken Nights

Chapter 1: Interrupted Drunken Nights

It always baffles me that some got through the war unscathed while my life ended up to be ruined. Everything bad that happened to me was because of Voldemort. Every ailment in my life can be traced back to him. My parents died because he killed them. Sirius died because he sent his death eaters to the Ministry. Ron died because he started this stupid freaking war. If Voldemort had never existed, life would have been great and peaceful, at least for me. If it weren't for Voldemort, then I wouldn't be getting drunk every night. I wouldn't be sitting here wasted in the Leaky Cauldron waiting for Tom to kick me out.

It's a good thing I wasn't so pissed that I didn't remember what I was and wasn't supposed to say when I saw her. How long had it been since I had seen her last? I can't remember. I remember the last time we talked though. I was so in love with her, but I lied. I would like to say I don't remember why, but that's a lie too. I told her that it was too weird to date your best friend's sister, but that wasn't what it was. It wouldn't have mattered. I knew Ron would have had no problem had we gone out. He encouraged it. But he didn't know that, once again, it all traced back to Voldemort. I was his archenemy. Everyone I openly loved was destined to die. They were automatically targeted. If I had told Ginny my real reasons, she wouldn't have liked it. She would have fought it. She wouldn't have cared. She is too strong willed to let some evil dark wizard ruin her life. She would have been noble, and she would have died for it. I couldn't let her do it, so I lied. I lied and I lost her. I guess it was better to lose her in life than in death. I'm thinking of breaking the habit of lying for the greater good though. It's not like it ever did me, or anyone I loved for that matter, any good.

Of all the people to lose her to, guess who it was. You won't believe it. I didn't. It was the utmost sin in my eyes. Seamus. He was the one who accused me of being a liar; he was the one who thought that I was making it up. He was deceitful. He talked about me behind my back. At least Malfoy could tell me he thought I was full of rubbish to my face. Of course, Ginny never knew this. She didn't know that Seamus was a pansy who couldn't tie his shoe. She shouldn't have moved on. But she didn't know any better. I never told her. I haven't got anyone to blame but me, andI guess then there's Voldemort again. Everything can be traced back to him. Everything.

Her life was ruined too though. You would think that if you didn't support Harry Potter, you weren't a threat, but no. Voldemort didn't care. If you weren't with him, you were against him. He showed no remorse in killing Seamus either.

"So this is what the famous Harry Potter does in his spare time, get drunk off his ass?" I was so shocked I almost fell out of my chair.

Wow, not exactly the warm words of welcome I was expecting. I just stared at her a bit before I started to stand up and say, "I'm not that drunk." But it didn't work. I stumbled and if it weren't for her, I would have hit the floor. Who could have known she was strong enough to support my body weight?

"I think you've had enough."

I wasn't going to argue with her. I had had enough. But I wasn't going to tell her that either.

"Did Hedwig die?"

"Uh, no. What makes you think she would have died?"

"Well, you never wrote me. I wrote you so many letters and you never replied. I figured Hedwig dying would have been an adequate excuse."

I tried to think up a witty reply to this, but none came. Thinking was making my head hurt. Why did she have to come when I was drunk? But then again, when would be a safe time to come?

She took a vial of something out of her pocket. "Here."

"What is this," I asked.

"Sobering potion."

"But I'm not drunk," I lied

"Drink it anyway," she said as she rolled her eyes at me.

After I drank the potion, I found myself being dragged out of the Leaky Cauldron and down Diagon Alley.

"Where are we going?"

"To get ice cream. I'm hungry."

"So we eat ice cream to solve that? I don't know if you've heard lately Gin, but that's not what you're supposed to eat to solve your hunger."

"Thank you. I'll give that all the consideration it deserves."

So, I kept my mouth shut. I kept it shut until after she demanded I talk to her. Even then, I wasn't too chatty.

"So what have you been doing lately, besides getting drunk every night?"

"Who told you I got drunk every night?"

"I hear things. Besides, it's not like you can go out in public without the entire world finding out."

"Oh."

"So?"

"So what?"

"What have you been doing?"

"Oh, uh, um…working."

"Really? Where do you work?"

"In the ministry."

"What do you do?"

"Um, paperwork, sometimes."

"And the rest of the time?"

I could tell she was on her last nerve with me. I didn't feel like talking though. Why is it people always want me to talk? Isn't it enough that I saved the world? Do they need my meaningless jargon along with it?

"Um…"

"So where do you live?"

"Here, in London. Muggle London."

"I see. What do you do at night?"

"You already know that Gin. I believe the phrase you used was getting drunk off my ass every night, wasn't it?"

She gave me a glare that told me plainly that she didn't think this was funny. She opened her mouth to say something, but then she looked up and I saw some guy watching us with a suspicious eye on me, which makes sense. Who says my life should be nice? "Oh, I have to go." I knew that wasn't what she was going t say though.

You would think that if I really loved Ginny as much as I claim, I would talk to her more. But what's the point? She's just going to keep moving on, and not with me. Because, I told her not to. I told her to go to someone else. And she did. Sometimes I think I'm my own worst enemy.


	3. Chapter 2: Morning Visitor

A/N: Since HBP I guess this is kind of AU, but all the same. I guess it could work if Harry and Ginny were to consider going out again.

You would think that a sobering potion would save me from the hangover the next morning, but it didn't. You must buy another potion for that. You would think they could just combine both into one, but no. The damn greedy merchants have to make it into two different potions and I have to spend more money, just so I won't have a bloody hangover.

I didn't even have time to take my potion before the banging on my door started. Damn Ron. Why did he always have to wake me up at the crack of dawn? You would think with us not being in school anymore, he wouldn't wake up so early, but no. He wakes me up every morning at 5:30 a.m.

I went to the door, ready to scream at him, but as I opened the door, I found, not Ron there, but Dean. For a moment I was baffled because it wasn't the Dean I remember from school.

I was about to comment on the change when it hit me. I remembered everything, and then I felt, not the giddy I'm going to yell at my best friend and not really be mad feeling, but the empty pang in my gut that told me my life sucked.

"Oh, Hi Dean. What brings you to my place at the crack of dawn?"

"The crack of dawn? It's 10:30 Harry. You're late for work. I'm here to make sure nothing is wrong and you weren't attacked and all that crap."

"Oh," I said as I looked at my watch.

"Hurry up."

When I got home from work there was an owl waiting for me. On the piece of parchment, there was no name and no addressee. Even the owl was unfamiliar. I would have wondered who it was if I had not seen the handwriting millions of times. I remember sitting there wishing everyone would just die so I could read her letters in peace. I almost got caught on several occasions.

All it said was to be ready at 7.

Yes, I think it is a bloody great idea to continue my torture. But for some reason, she has this power over me, so of course I got ready, though I had no idea what for.

Promptly, at 7, my doorbell rang. I was on my way to answer it when it opened and Ginny walked in.

"You're bold."

"Tell me something new Potter. Geez. Come on. Let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"Out. No more questions."

So we left my apartment, on foot. Didn't she realize we were wizards?

We walked forever. I was amazed at the many things by my house. I was panting by the time Ginny decided we could stop. It was at the park.

"So this is where we're going? The park. Yes. This certainly was worth getting ready for."

"Shut it."

We went through the long and windy trail to the fountain at the middle. It's almost magical the way it entrances you.

For a long time, neither of us said anything. We just sat there in a comfortable silence that both of us were scared to break for some odd reason. Maybe, well, I don't know what it was.

"Who was that guy yesterday?"

"What guy?"

"The one who you saw and then suddenly had to leave."

"Oh. Him. He's…nobody important." Why is she hesitating?

"If he's not important then how come you had to leave?"

"Because."

"Do I get to meet Mr. Not Important?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Now you know if I said because as an answer to you it would be unacceptable and we would be talking about it all night."

"See. There's the difference. I don't want to talk about it. Ooh, look."

Now the fountain was changing colors. What was so special about that?

"I never have understood how muggles could make their lights change colors. It's almost like they have their own magic with some of their ingenious inventions, huh?"

"Yeah, it is. You know how they do it?"

"No, how?"

"They are completely honest."

"Don't be thick Harry. Of course that isn't how they do it."

"But it helps."


End file.
